Me, Myself and I

So, I've been thinking. Yes, I do more than take crummy photos on those early morning walks! I'm pretty sure most of you know that I have been going through a lot the past year or so. Ok, more like five. I feel like I've been a hot mess. Others tell me that they had no idea since I seem so upbeat all the time. Ah, well. Just another paradox of being Steph.

Unless you have been living under a rock, I am certain you have seen or heard a mention of the controversial "bossy should be banned" concept. I have never considered myself a feminist, but this really resonated with me. One of the things I have been considering a lot lately is how my life was shaped by how I was raised and how I choose to raise Sullivan. I've been a nanny/babysitter/mentor/teacher much of my life, yet it was like I started from ground zero with my own kid. But that's a story for another day.

My formative years were also somewhat of a paradox. My parents weren't ultra strict, conservative, or fundie (shout out to Jenny for that term) and even encouraged me to explore other political beliefs, cultures, and religions. All was cool with them, I suppose, as long as I came back to my traditional beliefs in the end. It didn't exactly happen that way, though, and I have always been somewhat of the black sheep. I was also raised to believe that I could do/be anything I wanted. Astronaut, doctor, lawyer, etc. But, if I got married and had kids...forget it. That was all supposed to go out the window. Being a wife and mother would trump everything. My life would end. Having my own life? Selfish. Getting a babysitter for a date night? Nope. Getting my haircut or going to the doctor alone? Not gonna happen. Oh, and even if you bring home the bacon, fry it up, and wash the pan...daddy-o rules the roost. Throw in that divorce is not an option, especially if kids are involved. Suck it up, buttercup. And if you happen to divorce, just plan on not dating until the kids are grown. I. Shit. You. Not.

All right, back to my point. Yesterday, I introduced a relatively new friend to my idea of "me time." It's not like I am cooking meth or pole dancing. It usually means indulgent things like errands or yoga or an uninterrupted bath. Contrary to what I was raised to believe, I truly believe these things are necessary. Does Sullivan really need an anxiety-ridden basketcase for a mama? Rather than be a martyr, I would much rather model healthy behavior for him to emulate. I also think about flight safety guidelines -- put on your mask before attempting to help others. And it's not like I haven't been taking the kid with me since he was a few weeks old in a sling.

Yesterday I dropped Sully off late and picked him early after being the guest reader in his class. In the meantime I did a few things by myself that included a trip to Donut World. Call me selfish, indulgent, whatever you want. But I do not regret it. And I did share :)

Enough deep thoughts for this early in the morning. Over and out.

Good morning, Winston-Salem!

So, for those of you who follow my morning routine via my sunrise photos, you may notice today is a bit different. This morning I woke up to a cold morning and elbows in my face. I am in my adopted home town of Winston-Salem, NC. I spent close to 5 years here. Looking back, they were some of the best years of my life. I honestly don't know what could have possibly made me stressed, annoyed or aggravated. The golden years.

On the other hand, to borrow a phrase from the wonderful Doug Bohr, they were also the "golden handcuffs." The last 5 years have been a struggle, to say the least. But I feel like I am finally moving toward a place where I know myself more, I realize my blessings, and I am moving forward in a positive direction.

I will spend time this weekend with the best thing to come from my time in W-S....my beloved Sullivan. I will also visit some old haunts and see dear friends. I am certain there will be some sad and awkward moments. But I no longer feel ashamed and browbeaten. I am proud of just being me and will hold my head high as I go out and greet the day.

Good morning, Winston-Salem!

Blessed

I woke up to darkness this morning (blasted time change) with every intention of heading to church then work. Instead I walked the bridge. I heard the Martina McBride song "Blessed" on my old kool Sony Walkman...met a Theta sister...and saw a spectacular sunrise. It was the most connected and spiritual I have felt in quite some time. I could write volumes about the rest of the day, but I will leave it here. I wish, for all of us, peace and grace this Lent.

I'm Steph and I'm addicted to watching golf

After a long day I didn't blog and drank too much wine. Way to not follow Lenten goals, Steph :)

So, I am blogging twice today. Similar to random things about me, I was thinking I'd share some of my guilty pleasures. Ready, set, go...

1. Bad tv. My co-worker just can't get past the idea that I do indeed watch Dance Moms, Kim of Queens, Duck Dynasty, etc. Ok. Yep. Bad.

2. Billy Idol. and Eminem. I love me some Eminem.

3. Breakfast cereal. Actually, a nutritionist told me it's a good source of fortified vitamins and minerals. And who the heck can eat it as a meal? Does not fill me up...it's a good snack.

4. Facials. I am not fru-fru. Not into bling, manicures, etc. But, holy cow. I NEED my facials.

5. Bread and cheese. I still have chocolate sitting in the cabinet Mom gave me months ago. I could forgo sweets any day, but don't take my cheese. And gluten-free bs be damned.

6. Sports. I have always been active, but my lack of hand-eye coordination did not lend itself to organized sports. But I was a soccer manager/ref and can be a spectator with the best of 'em.

7. Thriftiness. I love a good bargain. I also love doing things like updating fridge magnets or water bottles with stickers. And, my favorite two words in the universe: FREE BOX.

8. Reusables. I have an unhealthy fascination with lunch packs, reusable containers, bees wrap, etc. The one time it caused trouble...when our janitor was instructed to throw out stuff in the fridge but not lunches. I guess my cute, practical, Japanese-style, stackable food containers did not scream out "expensive seafood packed to eat all week." Yep, about $50 worth of food in the trash. Boo.

All right. Time to get going. Stay tuned for more excitement from my world.

Randomness is next to godliness...or something like that

Well, alrighty. Here we are at day #2. I have decided to share some random facts about myself in case you didn't know them. I think I started the blog with pet peeves and, gosh darn it, I just don't have it in me to be negative at the moment. So, here goes:

1. I really never left the 80s. I wear Vans and Converse. Swatches. And how can we forget the music and tv shows? Man, if I could take modern technology with me, I'd so be back in the 80s right now.

2. I prefer button fly jeans.

3. I sometimes wonder if I am weird when I don't really like a book about which everyone else raved. I have never been the "trendy" sort, but really....do I have to be such a square peg in a round hole? Speaking of "Square Pegs," see #1.

Pardon the interruption, but...GO DEACS! Sorry, had to give the love to my adopted (former) hometown.

4. I am a very neat person but I have never quite figured out the value in making my bed. I rarely do it.

5. My first word was "apple."

6. I usually get up between 5 and 6 am. Even on my day off. I was THRILLED when I could drive so that I wouldn't be stuck at sleepovers.

7. I AM NOT A HUGGER. Don't get me wrong, I can cuddle and be intimate. I just have no desire to hug random people I barely know. Yes, I want a nametag that indicates that so I don't have to deal with unwanted affection.

8. For as long as I can remember, I have been against the drug war. I haven't a clue why people are against marijuana, especially. Homosexuality, either, but that's a whole other can of worms. I have worked closely with PFLAG, NORML and SSDP. I am known as a "straight ally" in the LGBT community. But what the heck do you call someone who is pro-pot but has never so much as inhaled nicotine (unless you can't second hand since I was in utero)? Things that make you go hmmmmm......

I am stopping here. Why? Because I am a dancer and think of things in 8 counts. Wanna know more? Stay tuned...

Lent

Lent. As a "recovering Catholic," I grew up knowing this as the holiest time of the year. I was always fond of the discipline. Of giving up things. Purging. Doing good deeds for others. Then, the miraculous rebirth that came about with Easter. The return of "Alleluia." My favorite holiday (well, aside from Valentine's Day). Add to the mix that my son was born in late April and his birthday will often come near Easter, and the holiday does bring such great promise.

This past year has not been kind to me. Really, the last few years have been not so stellar. It wasn't even that I was terribly sad. Or moody. Or miserable. I was just emotionless. The joy had pretty much been sucked out of me.

Well, this year I pledge for it to be different. I am not going to let anyone or anything steal my joy. I am in charge of my emotions and, although I can't control the circumstances, I can choose my reactions to them. So, for Lent this year I am going to return to writing. I have been stifled for far too long. Words, for a long time, were my refuge. My way to communicate. My weapon. I need to write. Maybe they will be read. Maybe not. But, here goes. Forty days of blogging. Of baring my soul. Of becoming me again.

Muse

Been quite a while since I posted. Lots going on personally, which will make their way here soon. I have had a lot on my mind recently and, for whatever reason, have not felt compelled to post here. That is odd in itself as I tend to express myself better through writing. Maybe it will come with time.

I feel like I have been in a state of melencholy for the last four years. I had a strange sort of inspiration today viewing works by Andrew Wyeth. If you know me at all you know that I have a reluctancy to trust my own views about art. I had quite an experience, though, viewing Greenville's  Andrew Wyeth collection today.

When I was in middle school I had an art teacher that everyone thought was weird. I, of course, adored her. She introduced me to Andrew Wyeth and I was hooked. When I went to work at an art museum some 20 years later, I immediately was drawn to Wyeth. Now I always find myself intrigued by his work. I've attended several talks now, even those my the illusrious Victoria "Vic" Wyeth, and still feel so drawn to his work. I can't put my finger on why. Maybe it will reveal itself in the next step of my life story?

We'll see....