I have a lot on my mind and heart, which will be revealed in the near future, but suffice it to say I'm often a bundle of anxious energy. Even now, I can't decide whether I should be resting, running or organizing. Or maybe one last beach day? I digress.
As usual, I have neglected my writing. And reading. And all things that fulfill me. My running has improved, but mostly because I can take out my aggression on the pavement. I have been reading/skimming my blog reading list daily. Last night, I came across something on Up Popped a Fox that really helped clarify things for me. The writer mentioned a few things that happened when she "came out." No, that is NOT my big revelation. But, those who know me well know I am a strong ally. And, after reading the post, I realize that sexual orientation is not the only thing that can be closeted.
I have written about it here and I struggle daily with my strained family situation. It is really awful and I take responsibility for a lot of things I did wrong. But, if I had to do it over again, I think what I regret the most is wanting to please everyone at my own expense. I have hidden my beliefs, toned down my personality, and even wished I could change myself to fit into a mold that would make my family love me more. Or a guy to look my way. Or the cool kids to invite me to a party. I didn't see myself as good, pretty, smart, funny, or worthy of love. I was raised to believe not to be boastful, not to put myself out there. That led to years of abuse by others and, worse, my own self loathing.
Somewhere along the way, I gained confidence to be myself. I "came out" and found that people like me just the way I am. I have people in my life that support me, challenge me, and just plain care about me. They listen without judgment. They console and empathize. They compliment me. They not only accept me, but they celebrate me.
I know it is idealistic, but imagine how wonderful it would be if we all celebrated each other instead of seeing differences in race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. I may appear very different than the lovely writer that inspired this post but, after contemplating her thoughts, I realize how very similar we are at heart.